The cleanse is officially over! I plan on doing a re-cap in the next few days but I have something a little bit different today that I’m only comfortable sharing because I feel like the moment I’ll be describing below was a little “turning point” for me. I’ve had a lot of turning points in my life, this one just happened to be journaled.
This post is quite a vulnerable one and I really debated whether or not I should post it. But alas, here we are. Over the holidays I had a great time making beautiful veggie-centric dishes for myself and whoever I was cooking for. It was, overall, the best holiday season I’ve had yet but I didn’t make it through without a handful of tumultuous days and anxiety-fueled, food “extravaganzas”. I was finding it extremely frustrating that after all of the physical cleansing and emotional work I’d done I would still find myself in a painful situation because of my poor or very excessive food choices. I journaled this late one night, not able to sleep because I’d eaten poorly and heavily while stressed out before bed. Natalia Rose often quotes spiritual teacher Almine saying “Pain is a call for change.” and this is what was running through my head when I sat down to write.
…Please forgive me if it seems a bit dramatic, I’m not always such a drama queen but it’s what I was feeling in the moment.
“”Pain is a call for change.”? Well its time for a change. This emotional eating shit is getting in the way of my life and I will have it no more. I get in these frantic states where I’m bored or stressed and I feel like I might be “missing out” on anything delicious that might be available in my world at that moment…It’s not true. The supposed “deliciousness” of whatever edible thing is in my face at the moment is getting in the way of my living. It’s getting in the way of my creativity and my energy. I will have no more of it. I want vibrancy and lightness, not scrambled eggs at 10 p.m. I want real energy stemming from a clear body and mind, not a large americano at noon. I want real excitement, not stimulation. If I so happen to wake up at 4 a.m. (ahem…) I want to be filled with gratitude for my warm cozy bed, a few more hours of sleep, the fresh air blowing in from my window, and the rain outside…not filled with midnights macaroons…even if they were for “ebook testing purposes” (amazingly, they don’t digest any better, even with the “best intentions”)…I don’t want to feel angry with myself anymore, to feel like I can’t trust myself. There was a time when this was about weight. I’ve pretty much got that under control these days. I’ve carefully practiced loving myself no matter what I look like and while I’m not always perfect at it, it’s a habit I’ve pretty well got down. Not to mention I take care of myself to a degree most of the time now that my weight stays in a pretty happy range. This is beyond that. This is about not wanting to use food as a crutch to get through a difficult workday (I’m reading the book “Positive Energy” and “emotional empath” describes me to a “T” making airplane work incredibly overstimulating) or a tool to get through a boring evening. Come on, I’m more creative than that!! I can be bigger than this. I love food. I. love. food. Like, a lot. I write a freaking food blog!! But at the moment…the way I’m using it…it’s blocking me from living as myself completely. Not all food of course, just food at inappropriate times, when it’s being used for something other that nourishment and is hardly even pleasurable because I’m not even hungry, just avoiding something. It’s all too often used as a drug, masking whatever awesome self is under that layer of fullness. No more nonsense. I am strong enough for this now. I’ve been in this place before and I know how to get out. I trust that I can learn not to hurt myself physically or emotionally this way anymore.“
…I remember writing this and feeling a lot of peace. I’ve felt it all the way through the Rose Cleanse and, despite ups and downs emotionally I have been able to use the tools that I’ve learned over the last year or so to use food in a way that serves me (and I manage to enjoy it immensely ) instead of leaving me feeling defeated or obsessive in any way. It’s felt very balanced and I’ve felt very confident that this is the right thing for me right now.
Now that the month is officially over, I’d love to hear your experiences! Did you have any turning points or moments worth sharing?
Below is a delectable crimson treat that is almost entirely veggie based. It was the one day on the cleanse when I had a little cacao in one of my juices and for this one, it was totally worth it
1 lb carrots
1 bunch spinach
1 large or 2 small beets
1/4 cup water or homemade nut milk
1 tbsp cocoa
1 tbsp carob
vanilla stevia to taste
Juice spinach, carrots and beets. Pour into a blender with remaining ingredients and blend until frothy. Sweeten to taste.
On a final note, if you haven’t already, you have to watch a video entitled “Stuff a Rose Cleanser Says” by Lola York. I’m pretty sure I’ve said every one of these things at some point!